One Hundred Dates' Evan Barden on Dating, Sex, and Not Being a "Creep"

Thursday, January 19, 2012

One Hundred Dates’ Evan Barden on Dating, Sex, and Not Being a “Creep”

By: Gaby Dunn

Evan Barden is like the Eve to my Adam.

Okay, he’s not. But his project One Hundred Dates is spawned from the rib of my blog baby 100 Interviews. Where I interviewed 100 people in a year, Evan is currently seeking to go on 100 different dates this year - in an effort to meet new people, write more, increase his confidence and find out why people just don’t date anymore.

He’s a dapper fellow (see photo above), a deep thinker and a funny fellow improviser so naturally I’ve set him up with some friends along the way.

Six months into One Hundred Dates, Evan and I did a little catch-up Q&A about dating, women, sex, blogging and a man’s fear of being called a “creep.”

Are you currently on schedule to finish the project?

Yes, I am. I hit 50 dates on New Years Eve, which is the 6 month mark, so I’m right on track. The writing is behind the curve but I wasn’t necessarily holding myself to posting all 100 dates within the year.

How has OHD changed the way you view dating?

The biggest thing that has changed is my view on asking people out. Before starting OHD, I was incredibly shy about the very act of asking someone on a date. Going on dates was fine, but getting them was tough. I’ve learned that being turned down isn’t the end of the world. It hurts a bit, but there are so many worse things. It’s also been encouraging to see the array of women that will date me. It’s mind boggling. And I’ve had some awesome adventures in asking women out that I never would have made myself do without OHD. Each time, the reward was well worth the risk!

Where do you draw the line between “date” and “blog project?” You said you were turned down, but even if the girl isn’t into you, I thought they’d just say yes to help you with the blog. Are they expecting it to be a “real” date?

This might sound pretentious, odd, or just plain delusional, but I don’t view OHD as a blog, I view it as a “life project”. In that regard, every date is a “real date”. I think the line can be confusing because in my real life, I likely wouldn’t go on this many dates, with this many women. The way I keep it relevant for myself is that I look at each date in a vacuum, to a certain extent. I try to say, “If I was regular, single Evan, would I go out on a date with this person given these circumstances?” As long as the answer is “yes”, I consider it just as real a date as any other.

It’s funny because, in reference to your second statement and question, it’s more typically the opposite. Women who have like me are more likely to turn me down because they don’t want the experience cheapened by being a part of the project. The women who do it to help me out often don’t have a strong preexisting connection to me. The vast majority of rejections I get are that the women don’t want to be a date for the sake of a project, for one reason or another. None of this is across the board, but most common.

Many women I’ve been out with go into the date with below-average expectations of it being “real” but very often, at a certain point in the date, it becomes “real”. There’s usually a barrier to break through or a connection we form that makes the both of us forget about the project for a while and just be two people out on a date and it’s really nice. That happens on most of my dates.

I know you fade to black when it comes to anything sexual that happens. Was that a conscious choice?

Yeah, I’ve actually had to answer this pretty directly on the website and my stance is still the same: I simply don’t think the internet needs another blog talking about sex and my focus is dating, so that’s what I want to talk about. Guys are notoriously sex-focused, and while that’s an important part of my life, it’s not something demanding a male voice right now. We were plenty of male opinions on sex. We hear very few male opinions on dating and romance. I don’t want the spectacle and controversy of my sex life to overshadow the more substantial progress that’s made the dates themselves.

How do you handle negative feedback? (Any advice for other bloggers in that regard?)

To be honest, I haven’t received much negative feedback. When I have encountered it, I think the best thing to do is to first decide if the feedback has any kind of foundation. If it’s some juvenile comment that lacks any kind of understanding, I let it roll off my back. If it’s has any kind of legitimate argument, I like to see if they could be right. One of the ways I’ve done this is to think about what I would write back if I were just angry and yelling at them. That’s often when we make stupid points and contradict ourselves. If I can come down from that and actually think of a well thought out response, that I am *confident* in, then I think it bears comment. For me, it’s mostly about the confidence I have in myself as a good guy. I know I’m not doing anything wrong, and therefor I have nothing to be upset about. I’ve only had one real piece of hate mail. I responded to it in a fashion taken from the likes of David Cross, one of my favorite (and smartest) comedians.

What has the project taught you about women that maybe you didn’t know before?

Take all of this with a grain of salt since nothing is true about women across the board, and these are particular to my interactions with them:

Women will not think I’m a creep if I ask them out, even when I barely know them.
Women will not think I’m a creep if I compliment them, even when I barely know them.
Women will not think I’m a creep if I try to kiss them, even if they’re not into it.
Women will not think I’m a creep if I invite them back to my place, even if they’re not into it.
Women inherently think that I’m a decent guy, and therefore not a creep. “Creep” is the number one label that I, and most men, look to avoid. It’s terrifying. I know I’m not a creep, but learning that women know that has been very reassuring.
Everything else about women, I already knew.
That was a joke. I just don’t think I’ve ever assumed much about women beyond the fact that they’re humans and therefore unpredictable as a whole. This project has taught me very little about women, merely a bit about their interactions with me.

Would you say you’re more or less of a romantic?

I’m probably about the same, to be honest, but my range is more broad. I’ve always been romantic when I want to be and pragmatic when I don’t. I’ve become much better at being up front and frank with women concerning my inability to become their boyfriend. I’m more objective about relationships now. I’m picker than ever. Those things aren’t particularly romantic, I’ll admit. On the other side, I’ve become better at the little things like approaching women, complimenting them, and surprising them with a kiss. Also, I’ve gone to great lengths to get some of my date. I wasn’t brave enough to do those romantic things before this project.

What would the ideal ending to the year entail? (ie: You found the one during this year and now you’re married or…something else!)

In terms of romance, I’m at a loss. I honestly don’t know if I want to find someone, find a few people, or just start my dating life over again. All three have their appeal and they’re all just as likely. I’m still trying to figure that part out. Professionally, I want to feel like I can actually write something that entertains and moves people. I want to pick up some writing gigs. I want a book and a movie starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt. I want to inspire other people to date more. Most importantly, I want to be proud of what I’ve done.

If I remember correctly, part of why you started this is because “people don’t date anymore.” (They just hook up or hang out or whatever.) What are the benefits of actually going on dates instead?

One of my favorites things about dating is that it nudges people to take little risks. In order to really date, you have to put yourself outside of your comfort zone fairly often. Sometimes that simplest and scariest thing is to just put yourself out there. It’s not so safe as hooking up or hanging out, where the investment is lower - less time, less money, less emotion, less commitment. The stakes are lower there, and often, so are the rewards. When you take a risk and actually ask someone on date, that alone can have a profound effect on them. Many women I know love just being asked out by a real human because it’s flattering. Getting a text message, asking if she’s at XYZ bar because he’s in the area, isn’t nearly at flattering. It’s a basic principal of any investment: Higher risk, higher reward.

Hang outs are boring, typically. They take place in bars, restaurants, cafes, apartments, and bedrooms mostly. Granted, many dates are had in these places too, but there is far more variety of activities available for dates. You can do most anything as a date, which is one of the things I want to show people with this project. Why the heck not do some community service on a date? Why not see a burlesque show? Why not be someone’s date to a wedding? These riskier, or atypical, activities make for really fun dates and your partner will very likely appreciate the effort you put into planning it. You’re automatically more creative and interesting for going on a non-standard date. In the hook up world, most of these activities are strictly avoided for fear that they’ll be too “date-like” therefore defining the couple as a couple, rather than friends with benefits, fuck buddies, or whatever nicer label you have for them.

The problem is that people don’t want to suggest these dates because they think they’ll be viewed as “weird”. They don’t want to take the risk of a better date because straying too far from the norm might make you an odd ball. The thing is, everyone has read plenty of inspirational quotes about how normal people aren’t that great and being different is the key to success, so why do we still hesitate so much? I don’t think we should be so scared of planning fun dates.

Another really nice thing is that dating contextualizes things differently than whatever else we’re talking about (hooking up, etc). It’s far more acceptable to pause a date and tell someone how gorgeous they are, because you’ve both agreed to do something mildly romantic. If we’re on a limbo hang out, that can’t necessarily happen because then the relationship is too “real”. Hookups, et al , are like unspoken dating. I think outspoken dating is far more fun. It allows you to get to things faster because you’re cutting through a lot of the bullshit. And they’re more romantic, which I always think is a plus.

If all both parties want is a hook up, then sure, dating is not necessary. But if there is, or might be, anything else there, I think the date is always worthwhile.