#4: ROMAN RIMER -- "A transgender person.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

#4: ROMAN RIMER — “A transgender person.

Roman Rimer

“I’m just going to apologize in advance for anything I say,” I tell Roman Rimer. We’re sitting on a stoop outside near St. Mark’s Place with sandwiches and iced coffees from Panya Bakery. “I know next to nothing so I don’t want to seem…”

“You’re fine,” Rimer cuts me off. “I like talking about it.”

After we made plans to meet up outside my office building for lunch, I nervously came downstairs and scanned the lobby. I figured I’d be able to pick Rimer easily out of a crowd; they’d be the one who was obviously transgendered.

If you can’t tell by now, I am an idiot.

“If this comes out wrong, please tell me because I don’t mean it to,” I say after Rimer, wearing a leather jacket and sporting a scruffy beard approaches me. “But I want to say what I’m thinking for this interview.”

Rimer nods. I consider my words carefully: “I’ve been trying to look at you for any…signs that you used to be female. You don’t seem feminine or have feminine mannerisms. If you didn’t tell me, I don’t think I’d ever know.”

Rimer smiles wider and wider. “You’re smiling so much when I say that,” I laugh.

“Well, yeah,” Rimer shrugs.

Rimer was assigned female at birth but two years ago, on April 13, fully accepted that they are male or, as they prefer to identify: “genderqueer.” Very soon after, Rimer had a double mastectomy and began taking hormones. Thirty-years-old now, they have no plans to go forward with any other surgeries.

We talk about when they knew the hormones were working; the joy felt when their voice began to drop and how they kept some of the same clothes from when they were female (but most fit differently now). They love the feel of the scratchy beard they’re growing, they give themselves a hormone shot once a week and they prefer the pronoun “they” in place of “he” or “she.”

I ask about the “Emily Post Manners Guide” for trans dating and Rimer says they personally believe in letting the other person know on the first date or before. Rimer hasn’t had any negative experiences in that regard because they surround themselves with open-minded people. For example, they hooked up with a guy who, once sex became an option, was completely nonplussed by Rimer’s female genatalia.

“And then we just had sex,” they shrug. The idea that gender can be taken so casually makes me happy to hear, especially because of the media’s depiction of transmen and transwomen as constantly struggling or being beaten up — (Rimer and I discuss the deeply depressing ‘Boys Don’t Cry’ for instance). They did like ‘TransAmerica’ and oddly enough, the Amanda Bynes comedy ‘She’s The Man.’

Rimer is originally from Northern California and their parents had some trouble adjusting to the idea of their daughter’s transition from female to male. They were worried about what they’d tell their friends. Rimer’s older brother had an easier time, and by now refers to Rimer as his “little brother.”

Friends were mainly supportive of the decision except for a few who Rimer says treated their transition as one would an elective plastic surgery.

“Like when someone gets a nose job and you’re like, ‘But why are you doing this to your pretty face?’” I ask.

“Yeah,” Rimer says. “We had a pretty big fight about it.”

Rimer tells me their previous name was “Delia” but that many transgendered people don’t like talking about their pasts like that — some even burn photos from before their transition. They chose the name “Roman” because of the 1991 movie “Dead Again” about reincarnation.

“It was the first time I saw someone could be born female and reincarnated as male or vice versa,” they say, referring to Kenneth Branaugh and Emma Thompson’s characters.

Rimer is really easy to talk to and not overly sensitive to my prodding questions. We find common ground on the political implications behind looking masculine or feminine. When Rimer is dating a man, on the surface, society views that as a “homosexual” relationship, but when Rimer is dating a woman, the couple looks “heterosexual” when in public — something Rimer finds misleading.

“I feel guilty,” they say. “Like it’s ‘passing’ because nobody knows the real story.”

I share that I sometimes feel, as a feminine-looking bisexual woman dating a man, that I’m “getting away with” existing in a heteronormative society. It’s a total relief to finally say out loud to someone who can relate. I’d never even realized it was a personal burden. There are a lot of things I’d never thought about that come up during our talk — the segregation of bathrooms, how much emphasis is put on a baby’s gender when it’s born (“It’s the first thing the doctor says,” Rimer laments), how typical and yet transphobic it is that health insurance companies don’t cover gender reassignment surgeries (“I’d rather be in the debt I am now and happy then not happy and have money,” they say).

Then, something amazing happens.

Camera rolling, a tiny gray terrier trots up the steps and beelines for Rimer. It’s owner follows with the leash, apologizing for interrupting our shoot. I keep the camera on.

“You’ve made your decision, dog,” I joke as it licks Rimer’s face. “I see who you like better and it’s fine.”

The owner apologizes again, telling us, “She’s a female.”

Rimer and I exchanges glances over the camera.

“She’s sort of between the two of you,” the owner offers to make me feel better. “But she likes men, all men.”

Rimer and I remain tight-lipped, like two kids seconds away from bursting out laughing after passing notes in math class. The woman apologizes again and takes off.

Rimer and I proceed to freak out. “That was like, weirdly symbolic!” I exclaim. Rimer leans back, “Gender is everywhere,” they laugh. “That was awesome.”

I turn the camera on myself, “Did that really just happen?”

Rimer laughs, “Yes, it did. Yes, it did,” they say. “That happens all the time. I try to go days without thinking about gender — mine or anyone else’s — and it’s impossible.”

(If you are looking for an accepting place in New York City, go here or here.)

Skip to the end of this video to see the part with the dog…